"But I am a princess!"

"What is a princess, and what is a queen? A princess is a girl who knows that she will get there, who is on her way perhaps but is not yet there. She has power but she does not yet wield it responsibly. She is indulgent and frivolous. She cries but not yet noble tears. She stomps her feet and does not know how to contain her pain or use it creatively.
A queen is wise. She has earned her serenity, not having had it bestowed upon her but having passed her tests. She has suffered and grown more beautiful because of it. She has proved she can hold her kingdom together. She has become it's vision. She cares deeply about something bigger than herself. She rules with authentic power. Our kingdom is our life, our life is our kingdom." -Marianne Williamson


I have heard many people refer to this quote in many ways and so I thought I would just take the literal form and talk for a moment about giving space for girls to act their age. In the past couple of weeks I have been bombarded with the same questions from so many different girls. "Should I still talk to my ex even though he cheated on me?" "How do I know if I should give him another chance?" Girls are struggling with their first taste of grown up issues. One mistake that us as grown women make is applying our grown up experiences to our girls' issues. If a boy cheats, he may not be a future lifelong cheater; he may have discovered that girls will have sex with him. Boys who hurt our girls are not evil, well not all of them. Hating him will not heal her pain. Your anger is righteous but it needs to come second to her pain.

Broken hearts are timeless but the first ones are the worst. There is no right and wrong way to experience the pain. It hurts. As parents we need to take the pain seriously. It cannot be disregarded. It is not just emotional drama and she is not over reacting. Many girls lack the coping that it takes to come through immense pain. They may need help. The most powerful thing a mom can do is to sit in pain with her daughter.
In terms of giving advice, I always encourage girls that they can do their break ups however they need as long as they protect their self esteem, their pride, and their values. An example of a response to the question "is it ok to talk to my ex?" would be:

"Does it keep protect your self esteem?" When self esteem is low, the risk is higher that she will be operating out of that compromised sense of who she is. The goal is to hold onto what is left and rebuild. The best way to rebuild is to become aware of where she is at. Talk to her about the ability to do something and still feel that she has not crossed the boundaries that let any of her good stuff out or let any bad stuff in then let her do it. She may not do this smoothly and there will be many tears as she walks back and forth the line of self esteem.

"Does doing this cause me to lose any pride?" Many times when we sink to settling or doing something to comfort ourselves, we lose our pride. Help her recognize the difference between self nurturing and self comforting. (hint-self comforting makes us feel guilty and vulnerable) There is already a tendency to blame ones self in an effort to find the magic key to bring him back. Girls may feel that pride is a small price to pay for love. Remind her that boys need to earn her back, not be allowed to drag her around as she begs at his feet.

"Does it compromise my values?" There is no better time to do a values check in and talk about the temptation to sell your soul when the pain of wanting something is so strong. There is a higher temptation to give in to sex at this point with him or someone as revenge. She may want to fight, lie, and go all primal on his...sorry. Her values are connected with her core self. Her core self is the key to reconnecting her with her healing powers.

Notice nothing in these conversations tell her what to do. You have given her space, honored her pain, and loved her in a way that allows for her mistakes. Pain is required to pass from princess to queen.

Presenting Presentation

I can't believe it is mid August! We have been so busy in our groups having fun that we almost let go of some of the purpose behind what we do here! Almost let go... but not quite.

As we gear up to getting back to school, we shop for clothes, supplies, and even give ourselves new mini makeovers to become who we want to be for the upcoming year. We feel armed with things that smell new and look crisp. This external arsenal is all in place to help project the full image of who we want to be and all that we are capable of. Yet it is all external. If we do not take time to prepare ourselves internally with an arsenal of skills, we will fall short when things begin to wrinkle and wear.

We need to learn the skills of presentation. By definition the word presentation is:
1. The act of presenting. or b. The state of being presented.
2. A performance as in a formal introduction or a social debut

We present in differing modalities in order to elicit a response. When we want someone to commiserate with us, we are a victim; when we feel like a victim we become dramatic. In an exercise and discussion around the topic, the teen group found it amazing to realize the relationship of how they portrayed themselves to how their peers perceived them.

Our society seems to have experienced a shift. The fifities and early sixties were all about presentation. To quote from MadMen "We are the portrait and it is our responsibility not to let anyone see the brushstrokes". The cost for this type of presentation was high and when the later 60's and 70's hit we were giving up all presentation in order to "be". Somewhere in the mix between then and now, our permissiveness in expression has left children vulnerable to become prey of materialism and consumerism who begin to appeal to a girl's sex appeal as young as 5!Read this article from the UK on the decision to pull playboy themed clothing for 7 year olds!

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/family/4575062/Young-girls-sexualised-by-clothing-and-toy-manufacturers.html

We have heard that everything is permissable but not everything is beneficial. I believe that the time has come to blend the extremes and learn to present with authentic grace, learn poise, and take responsibility for how we want to be seen. We do not have to become Martha Stewart, to take responsibilty for what we put into the world. We have the opportunity, a long hard earned one, to express ourselves in a loving authentic self that brings joy and tolerance to the world in everything from our speech to our dress.

The girls who attend our classes, groups, and events, have the opportunity to practice and learn skills to take them this direction. From handling embarassments to handling stressful conversations they learn to be poised and open. We know that those nice crisp fashions and extras don't hurt either! We love to feel good on the outside. Let's make sure our girls know how to do it on the inside also.

The Power of Two

I recently held an event for mothers and daughters entitled The Power of Two. The event was created for girls from 9 to 12 in order to help them navigate their entrance into adolescence and help to avoid the common conflicts that arise between moms and their daughters of this age. We did a group sharing and private sharing. We sculpted the metaphor of our relationship and did a blind communication exercise. Mainly we opened up and talked about what was hard, what was scary, and what we needed. We expressed a lot of love.

Yet truthfully, this is a difficult workshop for me. Mainly because while I am helping other mothers and daughters, I am a mother to a 12 year old girl. I think about this relationship often and I wonder why our communication changes, why there are more hurt feelings (on both sides), how I got into the beginning of a power struggle, and where the sad overall sense that you start to lose your daughter comes from.

I remember holding my daughter in my arms in the hospital and feeling a bit sad that at one point we were going to have conflict. I was prepared for her becoming a tween in many ways but was not prepared for her to become her own person. I have known her as my daughter her whole life but at this age where she is branching out into the world, with all of the strength of who she is, I realize that in many areas I don't know even know her. She is becoming her own person and is asserting herself into her life and into her relationship with me. Everything from clothes to food, movies to music, and how she decides to handle relationships with her friends is her way and not mine at all.

I realize that it is just the relationship that needs adjusting. I believe that when we cannot adjust the relationship with mutual respect and understanding, that there lies the conflict. As I say to all the mothers I work with, there is not a right and wrong anything if it is coming with love, pure intent, and authenticity. Your daughters were chosen to be your daughters for the main reason to experience the authenticity of who you are as a mother. Yes we will make mistakes, but we will come back and apologize. Yes, we will misunderstand, but we will come back to listen. This very act is the creation of resiliency in your daughters. If they can do this with us, they can do this with friends, teachers, bosses, and partners. We can guide them as women and love them as mothers as long as we give them a chunk of space to become. This is their emergence from the cocoon and they need to struggle to build their strength. We will hold them and sit in that struggle with them balancing the line of protecting and preparing.

As my daughter continues to show me who she is, I am starting to allow her space to simply become. I am not taking a back seat yet I am not in control. I am watching, observing, complimenting, and trusting. Trusting in her and trusting in me, but mainly trusting in the Power of Two.