Someone asked the Dalai Lama how he dealt with fear to which he replied "I invite it in." Well, I don't usually invite strangers into my house so I thought it would be great to make it more familiar.
Fear is an emotion. It is pretty straight forward. Fear is a warning signal that goes through the brain to let the system know that you are about to experience a change in the current state of being.
Think about being in a bubble. You are standing in the center of the bubble and everything around you is safe. When something on the outside approaches the bubble an alarm goes off. "DANGER! Do Not Pop the bubble!" When we hear that alarm and look up at a dangerous threat to our safety we now have the information we need to move our bubble. BUT when we are inside looking out at something we want, we step forward to get it and guess what? The alarm goes off again! Our decision becomes to step accross the alarm to make something happen or step back into the center.
For this reason, hope can feel like fear. The funny thing about fear is that it is only an alarm. It does not have any messages or truths to offer you. It does not predict the future so it cannot tell you that you will fail. It cannot tell you that you are the one person on this planet that is neither good enough or never gets what you want. Those messages come from other places. Old places. Fear is just fear.
When we can recognize fear as fear, then we can fight it. How? Well, this becomes the work. We weild the weapons of perserverance, discipline, and determination. These are the tools that move us from inside to out of comfort zones. These are things that bring success. We strengthen those muscles every time that we face our fear and move toward what we want. Sometimes we will choose to honor ourselves and know that facing the fear is enough for a start and go back and build up the determination and perserverance to move later. That is ok too.
Underneath it all, to face fear is to trust in who we are at a level we didn't know we were capable of.
Showing posts with label adolescence. Show all posts
Showing posts with label adolescence. Show all posts
Monday, January 11, 2010
Friday, October 30, 2009
The Friday Information Corner --Kristen Routh
Do you remember your first crush as an adolescent? Maybe that special-someone grabbed your attention in the hallways at school? Your heart would beat a little faster when you spotted your crush in the cafeteria or you sat behind that person in class. It seemed like you could think of nothing else but getting to know your crush, talking with him or her, or maybe even “going out.” You used all means necessary to capture your crush’s attention: “accidentally” bumping into him or her in the hallway after rehearsing how you would smoothly apologize seconds later; leaving notes in his or her locker revealing you thought your crush was cute; or maybe even gathering enough courage to ask for your crush’s phone number so you could talk to him or her outside of school hours.
Many of your children are experiencing crushes like these. Just like you had romantic daydreams focused on someone who remained agonizingly out of reach, your children are becoming enamored with the idea of having a boyfriend or girlfriend and are conceiving plans to grab the attention of that special someone. However, with the accessibility of modern-day technology, your daughters and sons have powerful new tools at their disposal what can help them turn their innocent dreams of social connection into what could become dangerous realities.
Technology and cyberspace now add new dimensions to youthful socializing and romance. Adolescents are branching out on the internet and using other forms of technology to make friends, flirt, and even date. Research from the American College of Obstetricians (2003) suggests that more than 1/3 of teenagers in the United States have a computer with Internet access in their home and that percentage increases substantially in more financially-affluent neighborhoods. Most adolescents use the internet at home for personal use including chat rooms, instant massaging, and social networking. With the increasing popularity of teens socially networking over the internet, more teens are sharing personal information online, including photos and videos, without your knowledge or consent.
How are your children connecting using technology? Here are just a few of the ways:
E-mails: Adolescents keep their social networks buzzing with news of who’s-dating-who, who’s-cute, who’s-meeting-up-later-for-fun. With the accessibility of E-mail on computers and cell-phones, notes left in lockers and passed in class are being replaced with quick e-mails.
Instant Messaging: More commonly referred to as IMs, these online communications allow your children to carry on conversations in real time. IMing is now more popular than the home phone as a way for teens to talk.
Web logs: Known as BLOGS, teens pour out their thoughts, feelings, latest news on webpages rather than the pages of a diary.
Websites: Online gathering sites like Myspace.com and Facebook.com attract young people who come to meet others or even vent their private feelings through “status updates.” Photos and videos can be posted for public viewing as well as, messaging, emails and “wall posts.” Kids can search for existing friends on-line, view pictures of potential “crushes,” and even send private “friend requests” to people who your children may or may not already know.
Chatrooms: These are essentially electronic conference calls with many people talking at once. Adolescents often set up their own private chats, but some bolder chatters enter discussions with strangers in public chat areas.
Cell phones: Most parents buy their kids cell phones for safety reasons, however adolescents often view this device as a lifeline to their social lives. They can call, text, send photos, e-mail, and even remotely connect to social networking sites. Cell phones allow kids to reach out even more to people without the necessity of a home-based computer.
Camcorders/Webcams: No longer reserved for capturing major life events, video recording devices are used by adolescents to capture images of their friends and themselves in often embarrassing situations. Posting their videos to websites like Youtube.com allows the entire cyber-world to view and comment on your children’s videos.
Although there are many positive aspects of meeting and greeting online, parents need to be aware that misuse can lead to broken hears and bashed reputations. E-mails and IMs allow rumors to spread like wildfire on the internet. Someone intent on damaging another person’s reputation can easily send a message, photo, or video to hundreds of classmates at one time, by pressing one “send” button. In a 2005 survey conducted by MindOHI, an education company that focuses on character education, nearly 80% of the teens surveyed said that they had read or spread gossip on line. When that gossip has to do with a young girl’s sexual reputation, the emotional damage to that girl can be devastating.
The same survey by MindOHI found that 50% of the teens surveyed had seen a website that made fun of their peers. Teens dump their boyfriends or girlfriends “publicly” on webpages, or even post photos of other teens after Photoshoping or morphing their faces into embarrassing creations. Teens often take camera-phone photos or videos of other teens caught in public displays of affection and upload the private moments to the internet or post to websites where millions may view it, causing deep wounds to teen’s reputations.
Parents may blame the Internet when something bad happens such as their child’s hurt feelings, or even more serious problems such as children meeting online strangers in person. However, blaming the Internet may backfire on keeping your children safe. Many adolescents who are teased or tormented in cyberspace withhold that informations from their parents, fearing that they will be forbidden to go online. Hey reason that it’s better to tolerate the teasing than to be cut off from their social world.
Many of your children are experiencing crushes like these. Just like you had romantic daydreams focused on someone who remained agonizingly out of reach, your children are becoming enamored with the idea of having a boyfriend or girlfriend and are conceiving plans to grab the attention of that special someone. However, with the accessibility of modern-day technology, your daughters and sons have powerful new tools at their disposal what can help them turn their innocent dreams of social connection into what could become dangerous realities.
Technology and cyberspace now add new dimensions to youthful socializing and romance. Adolescents are branching out on the internet and using other forms of technology to make friends, flirt, and even date. Research from the American College of Obstetricians (2003) suggests that more than 1/3 of teenagers in the United States have a computer with Internet access in their home and that percentage increases substantially in more financially-affluent neighborhoods. Most adolescents use the internet at home for personal use including chat rooms, instant massaging, and social networking. With the increasing popularity of teens socially networking over the internet, more teens are sharing personal information online, including photos and videos, without your knowledge or consent.
How are your children connecting using technology? Here are just a few of the ways:
E-mails: Adolescents keep their social networks buzzing with news of who’s-dating-who, who’s-cute, who’s-meeting-up-later-for-fun. With the accessibility of E-mail on computers and cell-phones, notes left in lockers and passed in class are being replaced with quick e-mails.
Instant Messaging: More commonly referred to as IMs, these online communications allow your children to carry on conversations in real time. IMing is now more popular than the home phone as a way for teens to talk.
Web logs: Known as BLOGS, teens pour out their thoughts, feelings, latest news on webpages rather than the pages of a diary.
Websites: Online gathering sites like Myspace.com and Facebook.com attract young people who come to meet others or even vent their private feelings through “status updates.” Photos and videos can be posted for public viewing as well as, messaging, emails and “wall posts.” Kids can search for existing friends on-line, view pictures of potential “crushes,” and even send private “friend requests” to people who your children may or may not already know.
Chatrooms: These are essentially electronic conference calls with many people talking at once. Adolescents often set up their own private chats, but some bolder chatters enter discussions with strangers in public chat areas.
Cell phones: Most parents buy their kids cell phones for safety reasons, however adolescents often view this device as a lifeline to their social lives. They can call, text, send photos, e-mail, and even remotely connect to social networking sites. Cell phones allow kids to reach out even more to people without the necessity of a home-based computer.
Camcorders/Webcams: No longer reserved for capturing major life events, video recording devices are used by adolescents to capture images of their friends and themselves in often embarrassing situations. Posting their videos to websites like Youtube.com allows the entire cyber-world to view and comment on your children’s videos.
Although there are many positive aspects of meeting and greeting online, parents need to be aware that misuse can lead to broken hears and bashed reputations. E-mails and IMs allow rumors to spread like wildfire on the internet. Someone intent on damaging another person’s reputation can easily send a message, photo, or video to hundreds of classmates at one time, by pressing one “send” button. In a 2005 survey conducted by MindOHI, an education company that focuses on character education, nearly 80% of the teens surveyed said that they had read or spread gossip on line. When that gossip has to do with a young girl’s sexual reputation, the emotional damage to that girl can be devastating.
The same survey by MindOHI found that 50% of the teens surveyed had seen a website that made fun of their peers. Teens dump their boyfriends or girlfriends “publicly” on webpages, or even post photos of other teens after Photoshoping or morphing their faces into embarrassing creations. Teens often take camera-phone photos or videos of other teens caught in public displays of affection and upload the private moments to the internet or post to websites where millions may view it, causing deep wounds to teen’s reputations.
Parents may blame the Internet when something bad happens such as their child’s hurt feelings, or even more serious problems such as children meeting online strangers in person. However, blaming the Internet may backfire on keeping your children safe. Many adolescents who are teased or tormented in cyberspace withhold that informations from their parents, fearing that they will be forbidden to go online. Hey reason that it’s better to tolerate the teasing than to be cut off from their social world.
Here are some things to consider to encourage open communication with your children about the proper use of technology:
- Focus on the behavior of your children, not on the technology. The technology may have changed, but kindness and decency should still be at the top of both you and your children’s list. If your daughter is going to break up with a boyfriend, she shouldn’t send him an e-mail or text message to do so.
- Talk about public versus private with your teen. A young girl may think it’s okay to pour out her innermost thoughts on a public website. Point out how that information may be used against her or might be used to fuel rumors.
- Consider your child’s age when buying a new technological device. Does a 10-year-old really need a camera phone, or will a basic model suffice? Can you be sure your child won’t misuse a webcam? If you decide to buy a technological device, instill the message to your child that there is a responsibility that comes with receiving the new device.
- Talk about romance and relationships. Kids may have a lot to teach parents about new technology, but parents have more to teach their children about relationships and romance—on and off the Internet, with and without technology. If parents neglect to talk about the excitement of love, crushes, and relationships, adolescents will get their information from peers, the media, and the Internet.
How are your children connecting using technology? Talk with them, and find out today.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
The Power of Two
I recently held an event for mothers and daughters entitled The Power of Two. The event was created for girls from 9 to 12 in order to help them navigate their entrance into adolescence and help to avoid the common conflicts that arise between moms and their daughters of this age. We did a group sharing and private sharing. We sculpted the metaphor of our relationship and did a blind communication exercise. Mainly we opened up and talked about what was hard, what was scary, and what we needed. We expressed a lot of love.
Yet truthfully, this is a difficult workshop for me. Mainly because while I am helping other mothers and daughters, I am a mother to a 12 year old girl. I think about this relationship often and I wonder why our communication changes, why there are more hurt feelings (on both sides), how I got into the beginning of a power struggle, and where the sad overall sense that you start to lose your daughter comes from.
I remember holding my daughter in my arms in the hospital and feeling a bit sad that at one point we were going to have conflict. I was prepared for her becoming a tween in many ways but was not prepared for her to become her own person. I have known her as my daughter her whole life but at this age where she is branching out into the world, with all of the strength of who she is, I realize that in many areas I don't know even know her. She is becoming her own person and is asserting herself into her life and into her relationship with me. Everything from clothes to food, movies to music, and how she decides to handle relationships with her friends is her way and not mine at all.
I realize that it is just the relationship that needs adjusting. I believe that when we cannot adjust the relationship with mutual respect and understanding, that there lies the conflict. As I say to all the mothers I work with, there is not a right and wrong anything if it is coming with love, pure intent, and authenticity. Your daughters were chosen to be your daughters for the main reason to experience the authenticity of who you are as a mother. Yes we will make mistakes, but we will come back and apologize. Yes, we will misunderstand, but we will come back to listen. This very act is the creation of resiliency in your daughters. If they can do this with us, they can do this with friends, teachers, bosses, and partners. We can guide them as women and love them as mothers as long as we give them a chunk of space to become. This is their emergence from the cocoon and they need to struggle to build their strength. We will hold them and sit in that struggle with them balancing the line of protecting and preparing.
As my daughter continues to show me who she is, I am starting to allow her space to simply become. I am not taking a back seat yet I am not in control. I am watching, observing, complimenting, and trusting. Trusting in her and trusting in me, but mainly trusting in the Power of Two.
Yet truthfully, this is a difficult workshop for me. Mainly because while I am helping other mothers and daughters, I am a mother to a 12 year old girl. I think about this relationship often and I wonder why our communication changes, why there are more hurt feelings (on both sides), how I got into the beginning of a power struggle, and where the sad overall sense that you start to lose your daughter comes from.
I remember holding my daughter in my arms in the hospital and feeling a bit sad that at one point we were going to have conflict. I was prepared for her becoming a tween in many ways but was not prepared for her to become her own person. I have known her as my daughter her whole life but at this age where she is branching out into the world, with all of the strength of who she is, I realize that in many areas I don't know even know her. She is becoming her own person and is asserting herself into her life and into her relationship with me. Everything from clothes to food, movies to music, and how she decides to handle relationships with her friends is her way and not mine at all.
I realize that it is just the relationship that needs adjusting. I believe that when we cannot adjust the relationship with mutual respect and understanding, that there lies the conflict. As I say to all the mothers I work with, there is not a right and wrong anything if it is coming with love, pure intent, and authenticity. Your daughters were chosen to be your daughters for the main reason to experience the authenticity of who you are as a mother. Yes we will make mistakes, but we will come back and apologize. Yes, we will misunderstand, but we will come back to listen. This very act is the creation of resiliency in your daughters. If they can do this with us, they can do this with friends, teachers, bosses, and partners. We can guide them as women and love them as mothers as long as we give them a chunk of space to become. This is their emergence from the cocoon and they need to struggle to build their strength. We will hold them and sit in that struggle with them balancing the line of protecting and preparing.
As my daughter continues to show me who she is, I am starting to allow her space to simply become. I am not taking a back seat yet I am not in control. I am watching, observing, complimenting, and trusting. Trusting in her and trusting in me, but mainly trusting in the Power of Two.
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