Sunday, June 26, 2011

To Role Model or Not to Role Model

I have always been just me. Even when I try not to be I seem to come creeping back through. Laughing is my favorite thing. When you talk to me, it is not overthought. When I have something to say, I say it. If I like you, you know it. If I don't, well, I learned to hide it pretty well because I find love for you anyway. I do what I want and throw a small tantrum everytime I have to do something I don't. I am usually scared all the time of failing or never reaching my potential. I would rather watch Dr Who than do anything else. I have terrible self worth and sway between feeling guilty for getting what I want or dread that I will never have it. I am always happy and never satisfied. I can be pretty blunt and hurt your feelings when I see a truth that may need sharing. I can be rather self consumed and forget to call you back. I rarely check my voicemail. I am far too overextended and may not find time to spend the time with you that you would like. I say all of this because it is really important information for later. So remember I said this.

Someone has recently pointed out that I am their role model. I panicked. A role model? Not me. I refuse. Thank you but no thank you. I never set out to become or ever thought of myself as a role model. Please take it back. A role model sounds so elitist, so alone, so "better than". After groups, I wake up in the middle of the night realizing that once again, I panic that I said something stupid and say a prayer that parents will not be calling me in the morning. When a girl leaves angry from my office, I cry because it makes me sad and truthfully kind of hurts my feelings. When I yell at my son, do I feel like I can give you parenting advice? When I catch myself judging someone do I feel like the example of love? I am not a role model.

I love my work because I see the commonalities of our humanity. I love my work because I love people. I believe that we are all broken and that we all have our own form of neurotic about us. We all have our own story of how we became. We are all scared, we all hurt, and we all want people to like us. More specifically, we want people to see us and to really know us because if they did they would be a little more careful in making sure they speak love on us and help hold our wounds. I think we are amazing. In the midst of our brokeness there is a strength that carries us forward. We are courageous everyday to put our broken selves into the world and always hope that this will be the day it becomes different. We are determined. We continue to seek our salvation from our thoughts and fears. We are humans living in the type of grace that allows us to demand justice that only works in our favor.

I can be that person for you. I have amazing people who do this for me on a daily basis. I can see you. I am honored to help hold your hurts and your fears. I have insight that comes only from being on the outside of you and being connected to my highest place of Love whom I call God. Together we can forge an authentic and loving relationship and that relationship will heal us both. Sometimes, I will be a step ahead because of something I figured out and sometimes I may drag you down. We will fight and have our feelings hurt otherwise it won't be real. This relationship may refer to me as wife, mother, friend, mentor, coach, or therapist but I promise that it will all be me. And if you remember from the begining, I am so not a role model.